MY STORY: "I CAN'T GO BACK, I WON'T GO BACK TO THE OLD ME"

By Angeline M Duran Santiago

There's a life filled with glamour, really loud music, and the lifestyle desired if you have the right cash or friends in your life. Many times, with all the lights and celebrations, falling into wanting to get high as part of the festivities becomes an addiction. There's no denying that coming down from a high, especially if you realize your life is on a downward spiral, is not something you look forward to.

We want the DJ to keep playing our favorite song and we want to stay in the dance floor, even if by ourselves. We want the party to keep going past sunrise and those we consider friends to grab a pillow and spend the night. Loneliness, Sadness, and Fear sometimes even cause many of us to give in to choices and decisions we know are so wrong and against our beliefs, but we cave in to the pressure of wanting to be part of the spotlight and the moment.

I remember that Autumn, rainy day, when I stepped up into the crowd listening about God's love. It was late and the preacher was done with his sermon. The street was filled and there was no walking room. Why was I here? 

"God loves you." I don't remember anything else except that the preacher all the way in the front, man made stage, called out and said, "If you're tired of the way your life is, God won't let you down." I remember invisible hands moving me forward as he called out, "Will you say yes to the Lord?" The rain poured down faster and harder but I couldn't move away, I only got closer. 

Suddenly, as if my heart had been a locked dam, under pressure for years, every hurt was released as if on cue, pouring out of me like the rain. Waves of past hurts and rejections crashed out from deep within me and for the first time in a very long time, I cried. The broken child was released into the arms of a loving God that night. The girl who thought her only way to feel joy was to dance and find the right jam or group of friends to be with was given a new identity. My entire heart and soul was flooded with a warm liquid of love, completely healing me from my past.

I can't go back to what I had. I won't go back. Once you truly experience that moment in God's presence, there's no scientific evidence, no physical proof, and no way to show what God has internally and emotionally done deep in the wounded and scarred parts of our lives. I'll share what God did in another blog. For now, all I know is I won't go back.