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By Angeline M Duran Santiago
Saturday morning, I put aside how I was feeling and a mind
filled with a million things to do according to my calendar. It had been a few
days already and all I knew was that I was hungry, deep in my heart to be just
be present in the house of the Lord. I had been living on small bites of prayer
here and there and my insides were anxious for the Bread of Life.
Entering the sanctuary, I inwardly rejoiced to find the
sanctuary just as I had wished it and seen it in my heart. Nothing had started
yet and to find an empty church to me was finding a gold mine. I had dragged
myself and willed myself to obey the longing in my heart, and oh, how wonderful
to find the space all for me.
Taking advantage of the time alone and not knowing how long
I’d have the place to myself, I came before the Lord. As I just spoke my
thoughts and my heart out, I saw myself as the woman with the issue of blood in
the Bible who was pressing through the multitude, pushing through, being
bruised, pushed and maybe even trampled on at some point, but she persevered
and crawled if she had to if only to touch the hem of His garment. “I’m here,
Lord.” I said. “I don’t know how to push through anymore. I’m tired. I’m
exhausted. I’m waiting and believing that You are in control and that You have
a plan, but I’m still here surrounded by the multitude that reminds me of all
the unanswered prayers, of my mishaps and mess ups. I’m pushed against and
yelled at by those who remind me there’s still something wrong with me, or that
I’m not enough, or that this is my destiny; to live with unanswered prayers,
family that need healing, loved ones that can’t break through their addictions,
and a fight that never ends.”
I poured out my heart to the Lord and saw myself taking that
stand where I am usually found, one that declares, “I can fight a little longer
because the Lord is with me, I will not be afraid!” Then I asked the Lord to
help me to get my eyes and my heart off of everything and everyone that took up
my space and my time, so that I could focus on Him, His Voice and His leading.
“Remove those things that in my life that keep me so occupied and worried that
I take care of them and forget to trust you and surrender it all to you. Help
me to focus and keep my eyes and my heart on You.”
Voices behind me where a sign that my alone time with the
Lord which I cherished so much had come to an end and I would have to share His
Presence. And, that was ok, for the room was being filled with women just like
me that perhaps had also ended up here pushing through the crowds of their
family obligations, their burdens and their hang ups. But, they were here, to
soak in His Presence.
The time of worship was lovely. I knew without a doubt that
I belonged here, in this moment. Soon afterwards, the speaker took her part. My
heart was astonished as she shared. “How, Lord? How could this be?” She spoke
and her words were the words I had spoken to the Lord in secret. The guest
speaker spoke about keeping the focus on the Lord and not only identifying the
distractions, but knowing how to put them aside and making God my priority in
this busy world. She spoke about the many responsibilities we have and how
sometimes we have to set them all aside just to be able to be alone with Jesus
and see Him at work in our lives, as He did with the little girl that was
returned to life with just a spoke word. And then she shared on how Jesus took
the time to pay attention to something as small as recognizing the touch of
someone upon his garment. At this, I knew, if no one else was getting this
message, I knew, “Lord, I am that woman. Speak into my life, I receive it.”
Although Jesus was on a mission, he was still interested in
this woman with the issue of blood. She pushed her way to get to Jesus. Yes, He
had what many called an emergency to attend to, a child was dying or as the
story goes, she dies on the way before Jesus gets to her home. But, through it
all, Jesus stopped to let this outcast of a woman who most likely felt alone,
unwanted and unloved, without a purpose and at the end of her rope, He stopped
to recognize her, to smile and make a big deal in regards to what she did, to
bring attention to what she had done.
She had stretched forth her hand to touch Him if even with
her fingertips. Maybe this was her last chance. Maybe she had planned on taking
her life and ending it all if she couldn’t get Him to slow down enough to
stretch through the crowd. Jesus made a big deal about her healing and her
deliverance moment. Jesus stopped his mission to celebrate this woman’s faith.
He knew her desperations and her intentions. Jesus knew she was moving on her
final strength, and He acknowledged her. His look of love that turned from
facing forward into the needs of others, made Him stop, make an about face and
seek her out.
On Saturday, I was that woman.
And Jesus stopped in a corner of Keansburg and in a very
gently way turned around and said, “Who has touched me?” Lord, I was that woman
among so many other woman, broken, abandoned in so many ways, hurt and feeling
at my end that came for a word and you spoke into my life.
The moment you feel that tug in your life to press through,
push through your situations and your circumstances, leave the house and just
follow the call of your heart to be in the Lord’s house as if it’s an
emergency, because you know what, the dishes and the laundry will still be
there when you get home. So, why worry. The Lord is calling us out for more. “Just
come.” Is all I heard and I followed, and oh, how I was restored and reminded
to continue to press onward.
Do not give up. Do not lose hope. Don’t let your faith be
crushed by your circumstances or situations. Don’t allow the things you are
experiencing determine the time you give to the Lord. Let those challenges or
lack of them lead you always into His presence. For the Lord is good, and His
mercy endures forever!
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