Monday, August 26, 2013
Mistakes, Failures, and Starting Over.....
Even for someone who has faith and believes God can do anything in a life, fear and insecurity can come and overtake you in such a way, that you feel completely lost. I've been there. I've felt alone in the waiting room area of my life, alone in the hopelessness of not knowing what to do or where to turn when everything around me was falling apart and I had no one to turn to. Yes, I prayed and I waited, and in my desperation I crashed. Oh, how hard it is to get back again. Not too long ago, someone would look at my life and say I had it all. Or at least trying to live decently. A few horrible events in my life taking place one after the other pushed me to a place I never imagined being before. I lost my confidence, my desire to get up and keep going, and the only reason I still got up to face each day was my son Jacob, literally.
The events that took place, one after the other, removed the life that once gave me the desire to keep going. I tried to get up after feeling absorbed by a deep darkness emotionally. I did. Through prayer and seeking the Lord, I pushed myself to get out of a depressive state and went back to work. I lost my home, and everything that seemed my security. I ended up having to give away all my furniture because I had to move my family into an apartment after having a big house. In the midst of it all, I put on new strength and tried to keep going.
I'm not going to lie to you, my marriage was strained and my children were affected. My ignorance cost me so much. The Lord still watched over my family and kept us together. The last foolish thing I did was this year. I listened to the advice I thought was the best advice and I resigned from my position as teacher. You see, fear can make you see things in ways you shouldn't. I went from financially secure to broke and taking any kind of work I could get, even a daycare that offers a few cents over minimum wage and makes you feel you should be grateful to be hired. So many degrees, experience and years of preparing myself for something greater and here I am, nothing to celebrate because there is no accomplishment. I had even started preparing to be work in leadership and administration. All my classes were passed with flying colors, but after resigning, I couldn't continue to pay or take classes without being under a supervisor for my internship.
Reality smacked me today as I read something. My life is not over. Don't think I'm predicting or proclaiming my defeat. Yes, there are great setbacks at the moment and I am seeking what to do to be able to get my teaching job back and yes, one day work in the school leadership as I've desired for years. But, today, I've just had a fall, a few steps, ok, a hundred steps backwards. It is not my end. I am not a plan aborted and dead. There is still reason to get up in the morning and keep going. True. I am not where I should have been today. This is not the future I had envisioned but it is part of learning from mistakes. Fear cannot have a place in the life of a believer or the life of someone that wants to move forward.
Fear came into my life through a tragic event, going home on the bus one day after work. It showed up again through being hurt at work countless times and not knowing what to do to protect myself and get the right compensation and help. I allowed people to pretend to have my best interest in mind and to get them to leave me alone from constant threats, I gave in and resigned. Resignation. I never once allowed that to be part of my vocabulary but I am living the results of my mistakes.
Fear. Fear makes you put the covers over your head and go back to sleep. Fear tells you to give up and that no one cares if you show up or not. Fear freezes your dreams and goals. Fear isolates you in such a way, you stay indoors. Fear replaces faith and tricks you into believing you've prayed enough, believed enough, and don't need to fight anymore.
I decided to write this today because I think today I was fed up. Fed up with part time work that won't pay one eighth of what I usually made in a week. I'm tired of trying to be the good person who is respectful, kind and understanding all the while I'm being stabbed in the back and kicked in the rear. No, wait, I love being kind and loving, but today I just felt like aaahhh! Today, I'm angry enough to speak to that part of me that has been asleep in la la land for too long. Wake up! I hear someone within me shouting. Wake up! It's time to live again. It's time to dare and be bold again. It's time to fight again. I don't know how and I don't even know who the Lord will place in my path to try to take back what is mine, what I worked hard for, but I need to get up and be me again. I used to like who I was and I miss her. Wow, did I just expose myself before the world? Mistakes happen. They don't define us permanently. Mistakes can be stepping stones into a better tomorrow.
Perhaps you've gone through similar or worse situations. Your story is nothing compared to mine. I don't want you to join me in a pity party. I think one way to get up again is to confess our failures and mistakes and make a declaration to move past that area of your life. I want my kids to feel proud of their mom again. You want to feel good about yourself again. If you feel broken and lost in your current situation, I understand you and know that you can get up and out of that situation. Stop waiting for things to happen and work on getting things done. God will walk with you through it all if you just believe you are not alone like I thought I was. We are not alone. Fear is a lie. I pray you can rise up to fulfill every dream and every goal, just as I begin my journey to reclaim what is mine, in Jesus Name. Amen.
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