Monday, May 2, 2016

The Dead Womb

By Angeline M Duran Santiago

Yesterday, I listened to a teaching on how to walk with the expectation that God has greater things for my life. The fact that I've gotten older and will most likely never get to do some of the things I dreamed about may not be relevant to that message. But then again, it was about keeping our dreams and hopes alive even in our years when our life seems dead. 

I've been there~ in Sarai's womb~ in Abram's thoughts. I've been in that barren wasteland of soil that seems to reproduce zero and only destroy the seeds that fall upon it. I listened to the preacher talk about how I am Abraham's seed, part of what was birthed in Sara's womb~ a place of death, a place of regret and disbelief, a place of dreams laid aside and waiting for death to come.

Honestly, I truly believe that maybe Sarai really felt like all those dreams she once smiled about where just nonsense now. I guess that's why when we talk about her trying to help God and God's plan and giving her maid to her husband, it seems that this decision came from that place where maybe she said, "Yeah, I don't think God is talking about me anymore." Dead. Dead not only in her womb but dead inside. 

When we declare that place of birth and life inside of us as dead and unable to bring forth what God has said, we have stopped holding on to His Word and His promises. We have allowed death and hopelessness to cover us like a blanket, the way they do in the hospital when someone is declared dead. Yet, as I listened to the message yesterday, it was in coming to grasp with Abram and Sarai's age, (later Abraham and Sara), that I could hear God speaking into my own barren womb, into my heart that has seemed still for a while, waiting and wondering, "What about me, Lord?"

The Lord is still in the business of declaring He is the Resurrection. He is still speaking life and a blessing onto our children. God is still saying, "Look what I will do." He is still saying, "Out of you, this will come forth. Look up and see through the words I am planting into the soil of your heart."

I am not afraid to say that I've felt that cold and deadness in my life many times. Still, I hear you speaking to my life, to my children and my family, that your Word and your Promises are the seed that have been planted into the soil- that I thought was useless- but you will use it to bring forth growth.
I am not ashamed to declare that doubt, fear and many times frustration of what it is like to wait upon you, have filled my heart and made me believe you were done with me, with my life, and had put me to the side.
I am sorry to not be able to see the bigger picture sometimes, but I choose to continue to wait and like Abraham, look up to the stars and count the blessings to come.

Thank you, Lord for your goodness. 



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