You may say it or you may not say it, but it's obvious that there just comes a moment where you either shout it out or thrust the door closed in someone's face, hoping they get the point.
There's a hollowness inside that beckons to be listened to, to be loved, to be held passionately and to be understood. An empty void deep inside who you and I were born to be searches with wholehearted abandonment for that face in the crowd that will provide that friendship, companionship, or bond we desperately crave for. We attempt to connect with those we bump into in the sea of humanity only to find that most of the time we are left disappointed and alone, again. The arms within our heart, hungry for relationships and to be noticed reach out from deep within who we are and we allow the crowd to see us in our vulnerabilities, our fractured states, and our need to belong.
It is within those groups that we seep into that many times we either discover one true friend or that none of them were worth a fraction of your heart's attention. We cringe at the mention of joining a group or attending a gathering because there's been just too many moments when you offered yourself and your offer was crumpled like paper- paper that comes out of the printer, is read and when the mistakes are evident, it's crumpled and thrown like a basketball into the trash bin, or unto the floor. So, due to the efforts that have left you alone, broken and feeling like yesterday's news, you've learned to say it loudly, but mostly with all you are.
"Leave me alone."
"Leave me alone!"
I know and I think or at least I want to say I try to understand. When it comes to relationships, I am not an expert, although I strongly believe I've made some improvements as I've gotten older and a tiny bit wiser. The truth is I needed to write this because I see and I hear you. I see your pain and your loneliness and I wish I could do something to help you, to make it all change, but all I can do is remind you that you are amazing!
There's no one like you.
The people that have gone out of their way to make you feel unloved were truly on a mission to try and break you. They wanted to be like you, look like you, and get the attention you were receiving, so they decided to work their magic to tear you down.
The people you've mingled with in the past have seen that special mark upon your life and have wished for it. They've see God's love and grace upon you, so they've worked tirelessly to make you feel unloved, unwanted and that you don't belong anywhere.
In the midst of the multitude that has given you and me their backs and used their lives to be hurtful and unloving, there are still folks that truly listen to God and allow His love to flow through them. Just like there are people who are imperfect, jealous and full of deceit in our daily environment, so the place where believers gather for different reasons, is filled with loving people as well as people who truly have yet to surrender their lives, their attitudes and their hearts to the Lord.
I pray for the Lord to cover your heart tonight and that He will heal your hurts. They are so many. Some of them you carry in your mind by yourself and have not shared. There are burdens and moments of anger and frustration that you have dealt with, many of whom have even been created by people connected to the church building. I am careful not to call them the church or believers because I refuse to promote the idea that the real church of Christ deliberately and purposefully works to push people out of church, out of fellowship with the Lord, gossips, creates scandals and destroys marriages. In my heart I can't accept or find in God's word that genuine followers of God and the Holy Scriptures are deceitful, hurtful, vengeful, filled with malice, jealousy and hatred.
So, I am very careful to identify those that hurt people as people that are still working on surrendering their lives to the Lord, even if they are in ministry or any kind of leadership position. Just because someone got voted into being a deacon or elder doesn't show the hidden corners of their heart. Just because someone has been the choir director for ten years doesn't mean this person is completely devoted to honoring Christ in their hearts. Some churches just have people there because it's the right thing to do, the social way of conducting elections, or that person has the seniority in the building and should be the person in charge. I think the only thing some people are in charge of is dividing, destroying and conducting the work of Lucifer and not God.
To you, my friend, my sister, my brother in the Lord, who does not want to visit church anymore, I pray that you will allow the Lord to heal the many hurts in your heart. I pray that God will show you it is not He who has hurt you or pushed you away. I pray that God's love will completely heal the hurtful words and attitudes you've experienced withing the confines of a church-like atmosphere. I pray and ask the Lord to open your eyes to see who has been behind the lies and the deceit that comes your way. I ask the Lord to reveal to you His purpose and will and that in the midst of what you have experienced and witnessed, that you will push it all to the side and once more allow your heart to hear God's call to your heart. I pray that you will get up with an attitude that says, "God is with me and that is all I care about!"
I know you want to be alone because of what has been said and done to you. My friend, I can honestly say I've had my share of the junk that takes place in the church circle. As someone that has been in different ministries and leadership roles, I've seen those with a genuine passion to seek and serve the Lord as well as those who wear masks, pretend to honor the Lord, and live double lives. But, here we are. And, just as I've decided to open my life to the Lord and follow Him regardless of the past, so I pray that you also will look at the past as the past and start anew. The devil is a liar and he has no place in your life, yesterday, today or in any of your tomorrows. God calls out to you tonight and I pray that you will not say, "Leave me alone." I pray that you will say, "Here I am Lord, speak to my heart. Let your will be done. I am yours, again and forever."
Lord, let your healing fall upon every Christian that has been hurt by someone who claimed to be a Christian believer. Lord, silence the lies. Rain healing and love into their hearts tonight. Lift them up again. Take those who are broken and restore them. Take those who were in ministry and leadership positions and have been burned, thrown away, mistreated or led away to sin and renew their faith, pour out your Spirit into their lives even as they sleep tonight. Lord, you know those in the streets, in the hospitals, the prisons, the schools, and even in their homes who refuse to ever pray or read Your Word again because they have been lied to, hurt, used and offended. Come and destroy the work of the devil in the name of Jesus, tonight Lord. Restore your presence in their lives. Let your presence be great in their lives tonight. Visit our children who have grown in the church and have been mistreated. Call them out to you tonight, in Jesus name. Restore your church.
"Don't leave them alone, Lord. Shower them with your love."
Written by Angeline M Duran Santiago