Friday, July 8, 2016

WHEN I MESS UP



http://getkerriedaway.com/self-care-is-not-selfish/

Written By Angeline M Duran Santiago

The day is filled with stress. Yes, stress. It's easy to become overwhelmed on a daily basis. Fingers pointed at your from every direction seeking to expose the smallest imperfection. It's degrading to be surrounded by hearts that invest their energy in watching to see if you will fail, when your hoped for flaws will emerge and even when you finally, and hopefully fall. It's easy to get carried away with anxiety when all you see are their eyes upon you. Sometimes there are persons that have no idea who we are, where we have been or where we can be. You may be working in a position that doesn't compare to your years of education and experience. Life has somehow kicked you down or things have turned upside down and you find yourself in a job that pays half of what you once earned, where those around you might still have their training pull up diapers on, and where you are treated as if you don't know what to do. There is a humiliation in their tone and a disrespect towards you and no matter how you attempt to phrase your words to show that you mean well, it is always taken the wrong way. If you don't talk, you are not trying to be social and work well with others, but when you speak your mind, then you are being difficult. All of these items below create a stress filled environment that makes you cry out, "Lord, what am I doing here?!"

And this is what I have come to realize. It's something I've always known but sometimes we have to keep going around the block about ten times before we finally find a parking spot, that was probably there all along. It takes time to allow certain truths to really set themselves in our flesh. We need to feel the hurt sometimes to get it together and realize that if we, you and I, are truly trusting the Lord, no one should be able to get under our skin. The whole stress issue is because I am forgetting who is with me. I am not recognizing who has allowed me to be in that place where others are speaking down to me, where they see me as useless or unimportant. It's not that we don't care about what is happening, but in a way, yeah, we shouldn't care. It's not easy to be in a room where you have no idea what is being said all day and the only time a word comes your way, it's to ask you, and slowly, "Do.....you....know....what.....to.....do?" or "Should....I......explain.....it.....again?" Sometimes, I feel like coming out and saying so many things but then I realize, if God is allowing me to experience this, how can I grow through this moment where what I would really like to do is put this person or group of people in their place with my words.



People are hurtful. Their pride and their fear pushes them to be stuck up, senseless, and rude. People can be arrogant when their desire to be seen over others pushes them to stand out by putting others down. I've gone through it. I know I am not alone. Race, language, color of the skin, and even just feeling we are better than others just because, motivates us to be ugly from deep inside our hearts, even if when we look in the mirror we are beautiful. Stress kills. It weakens our system. It hurts us physically and emotionally. We carry it and keep it like a treasure in our pockets and can't let go. Anxiety keeps us down and worried. The words people speak about us or to us to break us will only have the weight and power we give them permission to have over us. Truth is I can be just as ugly, but I believe that when I try to live pleasing God, he takes my ugliness away. He makes beauty from ashes and tells me I am to be a Light to those around me, even when I wish I could snuff them out.
No power and no permission. You and I need to look at the person that is wagging their fingers and tongues and see someone who perhaps sees their own flaws and helplessness, their past perhaps has been hurtful and they only want to hurt someone who tries to be their friend.

Sometimes we try to be a friend to someone but they end up choosing that stuck up person that is mean spirited and ugly inside. It's as if like calls to like. No more. Hurtful words, put downs, belittling and trying to make me look like I don't know what to do ends. I will not allow negative talk to stress me or make me doubt who I am or what I know. Walk in love? It's what I need to do even when I, (and I lie not) just want to let that old girl from Brooklyn come out and let you have it good. But, then, (and you thought and said it) then, I would be just like those that live to afflict others, and I don't want to be that sarcastic, fake, and horrible person that refuses to be kind and treat all people with respect and dignity. I have chosen to stop speaking and just be quiet and it seen many times as weakness, fear, or lack of intelligence. I believe it means to be still and wait on God. I believe if I walk away it's better than to become like that person who is being so wrong.



Lord, you know there are many things I could have said and done differently today but tried, (and you know I say it lightly because who can lie before you?) but I tried to stay quiet, or speak only when I needed to and I tried to remember at all times that everyone knows I am your child and that I live my life for YOU. Lord, I also recognize that while I kept a lot of stuff inside during the day, I let off some steam once I was in front of those who love me and are the greatest treasure in my life. I was tired, upset and allowed that last drop in the bucket to make me the very person I never want to be. For this, I am ashamed and ask for your forgiveness. Let me repair the walls I build with my attitude, an attitude I should never had had in the first place because if I give everything I am going through to You, then I should be, and will be stress free, without anger, or the offenses and hurt slide off of me like butter. Forgive me for being angry when I should just pray and trust You. Help me to be more like you and to change from the inside out. I don't want to every hurt anyone with my words or my actions, especially my three children, my family.


Forgive me, my dear kids, for just being upset and wanting to de-stress but I know and recognize I went about it the wrong way. This is how I write (or blog). If I am going to share anything, there can't be lies. I can't make life up. This is me, even when it's uncomfortable to share. But, I do it because maybe you too may be going through these ups and downs or maybe just mess up the way I seems to mess up after spending the day allowing people to get to me. The only One that I should be thinking about honoring is the Lord. Period.

Please, if you have gone through any of the moments I have shared, just give it all to the Lord. Trust in God to take care of those people around you that aren't worth stressing over. And, as you learn to surrender them to God, remember to keep your love real with your family. They are the ones in your life in the beginning and at the end of the day. At the end of it all, they are the only people in your life that truly matter, no one else. None of those people that work tirelessly to get on your nerves each day go home with you or go home to think about you. So, go home and leave those persons at school, at work, or wherever you are obligated to sit with them, leave them there and leave them in God's hands. In His care they will be ok and if God needs to change them He will, and if He only has to change you and me, then that is what He will do. But, let us not argue or take out our frustration on our kids or husband or if you have a wife. Don't do it in the car. I did it and it wasn't cool at all. The ride home becomes longer, sadder and miserable.

Lord, help us to give you every emotion, every worry, and all our cares, because you care about every area in our lives. In Jesus name. Amen.