INTERNAL BLEEDING

Written by Angeline M Duran Santiago

When someone has suffered the kind of trauma that is on the inside, it's very hard, with our natural eyes, to see what's taken place deep inside under the skin. Using modern medical technology, trained medical experts will be able to identify what has happened inside. They'll find the areas that have all kinds of disease, broken bones, internal bleeding and areas that need a biopsy or surgery, among just some things that can be seen. I am not in any way someone that knows much about what modern science can see through their many machines. There's one area I believe modern science has yet to be able to look into. Can they look inside someone's life and see when they're internally bleeding and hurting from a broken heart, a wounded spirit or the pain that comes from living a life that is filled with daily punches, storms and struggles?

What x-ray machine can diagnose the darkness that creeps up and wraps itself around your mind? What Scan is able to go inside of you and see your anger, your hurts, your disappointments and your desire to cry? What  MRI can see the hidden thoughts of your past and the problems you review in your mind daily as you live each day? I don't think there is any such gadget yet, maybe only in movies and fantasy books, but none in reality.

So, I bring this situation before the Lord and I cry out to the Lord and ask Him to come seep into the darkest areas of my life and shine His light in the darkness inside of me. I come before the Lord and remind Him that I am trying to be who He has not asked, but commanded me to be, but I still fall short of His expectations. You command me to love, to be at peace, to seek peace, to forgive, to do my best to give a soft answer and to be understanding. But, the more I try, the more I'm told I'm failing in every area. The voices around me say I am cold, angry and without understanding. The voices around me curse me out, yell at me, and say I'm led by demons. Lord, how can that be when I am trying so hard to be like You?

 

I come before You dear God because inside, deep inside my heart, I'm so broken. Most of the time I even wonder how is it possible this heart of mine hasn't fallen apart? There are so many times I've decided to just stay quiet because if I voice my mind, I'm told I am wrong, I'm insensitive, I've lost my mind and don't know what I'm talking about. I'm told I'm foolish, small minded and do not have the ability to process what is really going on. So, I start to think, are they trying to make me believe I am losing my mind? No, Lord. I am internally bleeding and unless you come and look deep inside of me, I will bleed out and become speechless. I will wither in the silence until there is no reason to keep going.

You know I've been there, Lord.
I am not alone, either. There are so many that have this condition that only You, dear Lord, can see. I want to help those around me that are hurting, Lord. I do my best to understand them and come down to their level so that there's peace between us, but so many times it's a farce and it ends up in a giant cloud of anger and arguments. We need your intervention, emergency intervention, Lord.

I find myself, and I know I'm not alone in this, but I find that I am internally bleeding in a way only Holy Spirit can understand. I am like the rag doll, easily torn apart and so hard to put back together the way she was originally created. I am like the scroll that is rolled and wrapped beautifully after a poem is written in the most beautiful calligraphy. But, then someone finds it and discards it to the side, allowing it to be blown away, ending up in the middle of the busy city where thousands of rushing feet and cars tear away at the one precious scroll.

Lord, I don't want to live this life this way. Yes, there are storms and hardships that come our way but you have promised to walk with us and be with us through the most difficult times. Your word is full of promises that tell me that I will not drown, I will not be burnt, and I will not be destroyed. Yet, I look at the lives of those who lived doing your will and they were incarcerated, beaten, killed, and made to go through atrocities that are seen even today- just for carrying your name. And, Lord, these hurts, these troubles, so many times are in our own homes, with our own loved ones, how do we move forward when the strife seems unavoidable starting in our own house of refuge?

Your Word is what I will hold on to and mentally tattoo upon my heart, my brokenness. Your Presence is what I will wait upon and trust, daily, every moment, non stop. I depend on You to be the Master Surgeon, the only One that can remove every area in my life that needs to change and be restored. Heal my heart, Lord. Heal my mind. It is in Jesus Name that I ask this. Bring peace into our homes and restore the relationships in our homes that are filled with unforgiveness and bitterness. Heal the areas that are filled with pain and lack of trust. Come, Holy Spirit and do a new work internally, deep inside our hearts and also in every area of our relationships, our homes and our daily work place. You are Lord and King! I will honor you and trust in You no matter what comes my way!
Thank you, Lord. Amen.