Being here, I go through the motions. I go from anger to frustration, from feeling alone to being completely lost and no longer knowing what to do. I talk to God and I tell him that at this point in time, everything I ever thought I knew seems terribly small in comparison to what I need to know. I long for words of wisdom to be written upon the clouds but even the clouds are silent. I acknowledge that anything I've ever claimed to know and hold on in regards to my faith and my hope in Christ needs to be strengthened and that I need to adjust my strap and lock on to Him even tighter than ever.
I look around me and the ones that should be fighting with me are laid back as if the dark clouds and the storms cannot touch them. The pain I see others feeling seems invisible to them because it is not a real pain on their own bodies. How, Lord? How can we be so indifferent to the hurts of others when we are commanded to help one another with our burdens and to weep with those that weep? How easily we turn away and pretend the fight is not ours when the battle has knocked on our door and not waited for anyone to answer and open, but it has used force to enter and begin to twirl in our midst.
Victory. You don't want victory! For if you wanted victory you would see what I see, feel what I feel and take your place and fight. If you could understand what is at stake here there would be an attitude to pray, to fight back and refuse to let the enemy to have his way in our lives and in our home. You don't want the victory because you've seen God work it out in our lives too many times before and think it's always going to be the same.
No. This is not the same battle as before. Can't you see we're about to lose so much more than ever before and still, still you won't take your place and lift up your sword!
I fight alone, most of the time. Yes, there are those who have never left my side. But, here, here in our home, why do you leave my alone to face the enemy and to stand against the Goliath of this age? Where is your ability to pray with me, pray with us, and lead us in a word that commands the hosts of hell to flee. You look at me and see how the enemy continues to launch his missiles against us and then you turn to the other side and fall asleep. Asleep. You are tired and complain as if no one else is tired and weary. You have given up and you can't help us fight because you don't want to. You don't want to win this fight. You don't care if there is victory or not because you've become content and conformed to what life has been and regardless of what changes or doesn't change, you certainly will not.
I have no choice but to keep my armor on. God's armor upon me is my only promise to succeed. Lord, I don't know how to face the enemies that come towards me. I am trying the way I thought I knew, but I feel like a child and I surrender completely and ask you to once more, teach me anew and train my hands for war. Fill me with divine wisdom and knowledge to see and understand. Give me words to speak and silence me when I must stay quiet. Lord, strengthen me in my body and in my heart. Strengthen me in my spirit and give me courage to fight on, push through, run and jump and clash against the swords and arrows that come towards my family, towards my home, against my son and against my sanity.
Rise, oh Lord, and take your place near me and with me. My mind hears the whispers that I am alone but I know it is a lie, You are with me like a Mighty Warrior. Arise O God and work in my life and in my situation. The wind dares to say I am defeated, but I know that I am and will never be destroyed as long as I trust in You. Lord, come near and flood my life with your presence. All around me people try to encourage me but their words are empty and I walk away. Your words are life and they give me power to take each step, each day.
Dear God, my heart wants to shout out to the heavens and request the heavenly armies to come and destroy everything that is happening around me. I feel lost without you, Lord, but I know that I know you have not forsaken me. You have not left me to confusion or insecurity. When my mind feels like I can't remember or I've lost track of what makes sense, I remember to meditate upon you and you will keep me in perfect peace.
Tired. So many around me are tired and they put their swords down. Weary and conformed is how so many are because they're ok with life around them. Life hits those around them and because their own bodies are not touched, they resign to living day by day and do not worry. It's not with me, they say, so they don't pray. This is why I say, You don't want victory. For if you did, you would take this attack personally.
Lord, show me how to fight. Train me and teach me how to confront these situations and circumstances in my life. Direct me always. Don't let me fail. Don't let me fall. Keep me close to your heart. Guide me continuously. Lead me. Move through my life and in my life. Use my life, my words, my heart and my entire being for your glory and to magnify your name. Use my life so that when others see what you have done, they will see and say, "What a mighty God we serve!" Be on my side and bring glory to this situation. Be magnified in my life, in the precious name of Jesus, amen.