Dear Journal

By Angeline M Duran Santiago

Dear Journal,

Ok, so today I am tired. But you know what? I am not the only one, right? You're right! Today I realize that so many things have gone wrong because I allowed the circumstances to blindside me and what a hard time it has been to recover from those dark moments in my life. But, I worried. And the moment I worried, I was really declaring, (although everything inside me screams "I'm a woman of faith!) that I panicked and when I did, I was stating I didn't trust you enough to deal with my situation, with my circumstances, and with my problems at the time. Worry is a lack of faith and trust. I blew it a while back. I know I did! Today confirms that I acknowledge so many foolish moments where I cringed and hid behind the pillows, when I, (YES I) I knew the truth of who you are and what you could do, but I allowed the defeat of my pain and my hurt to take over. 

I was supposed to rise to the occasion and be stronger than strong. Instead I became powerless, stripping you of authority and power in my life, and thus dragging my children along for the treacherous ride of defeat. Oh, Lord, how horrible to look back and see the errors I can't take back. I can't walk back into yesterday and mend the broken times of my life or the hurts my children have lived through.

Journal, I had to write it all down because I need to remind myself that when that worry comes again, I have to snatch it out, push it away, and never, ever let it get me down again. Faith. My walk is based on faith. My next breath is based in knowing that You are able Lord to take care of me and I doubted that. Me. The one that saw you provide for me in every way, began to see it all in shadows because although I said I trusted, the hurt in me blinded me to the truth that I was relying on my emotions and not on your power. 

I write because it frees me to think and it enables me to rise up with conviction to know that even when I've allowed myself to fall flat on my face and end up on the dirt ground, God in his mercy, has picked me up again. I may not be where I used to be in a time when I prospered in all I did, but I've had to learn the lessons of life and trusting God. I'm in the school of life. And oh sometimes it hurts! 

But, Lord, no more worries. I will rise to do what you've given me to do. In the little and in the much I want you to trust me again. I've lost it all and it seems that I am starting all over again, but I will trust you like never before. You are the healer of my children's lives. Forgive me for my times of weakness before my children. Forgive me for thinking I was strong when I should have been stronger. Forgive me for not fighting harder and for giving up. Oh, I said I would never surrender but in my mind I did, so many times. 

I just wanted to say that to you before I fell asleep. It's good to have a journal to write on. I journal and write my thoughts, and my prayers,and I write to encourage myself in the Lord. For if it had not been for the Lord, I don't know where I would be today.

                                                                                                                                                Sincerely,
                                                                                                                                                Angie