By Angeline M Duran Santiago
I knew the title would make you come look and see. Who in their right mind would publicly declare in writing that they want to die? No, let me take that and re-word it because, nowadays, there are many fighting for their right to end their life, their own terms, time and date. So, when I say, "Let me die!" what I really want to say is, "Lord, let me die, "ME", the "ME" inside- the person that keeps forgetting "To live is Christ and to die is gain". Let me die- the part of me that struggles with, "If any man be in Christ, he is therefore a new creation, Behold the old is gone, all things are new."
There's that great part deep inside of me that needs to lay down and remember that I have been crucified with Christ. I thought I did it Lord. But, when life happens, and it does every day, those parts inside me that I believed were transformed, somehow have a way of exploding out in the open, proving once again, I need to die.
Perhaps you find it ridiculous of me to declare such a thing if I am a Christian. But, maybe if more of us truly lived as if we were dead in our desire to satisfy our flesh, and the way we work tirelessly to please others before Christ, and how we have time for everything and everyone else but serving the Lord the way He calls us, then you would understand that to live is CHRIST, not my way.
If God is my righteousness, then there is absolutely nothing in this life that should make me choose living for this world more than living by faith and living for my God.
My mind goes to that scripture, "If you abide in me and my words abide in you, then you shall ask what you will and it shall be given unto you." And in my heart and in my mind, I am trying so hard to abide and remain in Christ. But, life happens and I still get angry and I still lash out sometimes. There are moments that I get frustrated and I want to just let people have (like they say) a piece of my mind.
Life happens and I end up with a lot of junk on my plate, my heart is bruised again and again, and I am expected to forgive and keep going, again and again.
Just think about it, if we were dead in our sins, then our life truly began when we said, "Yes!" to walking with the Lord.
The truth is I get tired. I get tired of listening to the same, "I'm sorry." I get tired of the attitudes and the excuses. That is the moment when I remember what a pastor shared during a preaching one Sunday. He said, only the living feel pain. Only the living struggle with feeling what the world does to them, but if they are hidden in Christ, if they truly have put their old self in God's hands, they are no longer alive to this world. I remember when I attempted to grasp this whole concept that if I am in Christ, I am alive in Christ but dead to sin and dead to what this world can do to me.
So, let me die.
Lay me down on the altar and let the flames consume what is in my heart.
Let the fire burn the unforgiveness, my pain, my anger, and my disappointments.
Let me die, Lord.
Let every memory that needs to be buried find it's resting place in the depths of the sea.
Let me die.
Take every part of me that doesn't reflect your love, your presence or your glory and fly away with it, dropping it off into a forgotten island, far away, to never return.
Let me die. For if I die, then there is a huge space, a deep gap inside of my heart and my mind and it freely opens up to make a home for you. Yes, I have invited you and you are in my life, but there's that part of me that keeps coming up and forgetting I need you at all times. So, today, come and take my broken self, my lack of confidence, my damaged emotions, my troubled mind and my body that is turning against me with all these physical ailments, Lord, take it all and place it in the tomb.
Be in me, dear Lord, and I will no longer write, "Let me die" but, "Let me live for You!"