Originally posted April 21, 2021
How do I face tomorrow? My new normal is filled with uncertainty? If I've learned anything these past few months is that, I have to take care of today and let tomorrow, well, come tomorrow.
I believe that in the midst of my being in the hospital with COVID and so many other very hard moments, God also allowed that chaos to make me look deep inside of me, my heart.
Like so many, I was praying. I was believing and hoping. As I laid there on the bed, at times not knowing what would happen next, the Lord chose to open my heart and show me the things I needed to look at.
In my times of meditation, I remembered scriptures that reminded me of what God wants from all of us, to know Him, give our hearts to Him, receive His love and forgiveness, and do for others, likewise. I knew He was going to start dealing with my life in a hard way. I don't think any of us like it when our parents or our supervisors tell us what we have to work on. We don't like being observed or being pulled to the side because it is our parents, our loved ones, and persons in our lives like an administrator or leader, who looks to see what we are doing right and will tell us by shining the light on those areas we've done well. It is also that parent and that leader in our life that can look deep into our lives, our performance, and spiritually speaking, look in our hearts and tell us what areas in our life need attention and changing.
This is where the greatest of all leaders, father, and helper come in because God looks into our lives and celebrates our great moments and stops our life to make us look into our hearts.
I was moving forward, and going full throttle fast but the Lord placed a stop sign in my path and gave me no choice but to be still and rely on Him. I thought it would be quick and I would be giving a story of how the Lord brought us out by His mighty hand but God chose to open my heart, like in surgery, and show me the things I did not want to see or deal with. At least, somehow I didn't think I needed to look in my heart that way because I thought I was doing well and living right.
It's not always the way we think just because we are saying we love God and we believe in the Lord.
We pray. We cry out to the Lord.
God in His mercy and love for me, brought scripture to my mind that forced me to examine where I was truly standing as His child. My true heart was laid bare and all my ponderings were clear and audible before the Lord. I prayed and God allowed this scripture to speak out to me. Where there people in my life that I was still holding anger and grudges against. Was there still bitterness in my life against someone that had hurt me a long time ago but I was still angry, because it hurt. Was I living in a way that I was avoiding people close to me because being around them reminded me of how they hurt me. I was reminded that I was still angry and holding on to that hurt and that those persons in my life didn't even know I was hurt and angry with them. I had to leave my prayer, leave my gift of worship and praise, and ask God to heal my heart, to forgive my sins of anger, bitterness, resentment, and holding on to anger for so long.
Has someone you trusted and loved every hurt you? Did you believe in your heart you had forgiven them and tried to move on but could not. You struggled because it still hurt when you were reminded of their offense and their betrayal. You struggled being around them because you relived that moment where you felt let down, lied to, and used. We also mess up and fall short of doing right, yet God's grace and mercy do not just stop being available for us. If and when we truly come to the Lord with a repentant heart, He is just to forgive us our sins. The Lord took me on a journey into the rooms of my heart and showed me the things I was holding on to by not surrendering my hearts completely to the Lord. The Lord showed me where I was still angry with certain people and it was time to change. Had not God forgiven me and healed me? Did God live each day reminding me of when I messed up and sinned? Did God stop loving me? Did God take away His promises? Just as The Lord has forgiven me, I have to forgive. Just as God has loved me, I have to love others.
Anger, hurt, bitterness, and unforgiveness hinders our prayer and our true workshop and praise to our heavenly Father. We cannot pray and expect God to work in our lives if there is darkness in the rooms of our hearts. Those rooms must be surrendered to God who can heal every hurtful word, and every moment you were used and let down. I know what it's like to believe in people and love them, serve them, do all for them, and then they hurt you so deep that it's hard to forgive and ever speak to them again. Still, these were the moments God had me look at and surrender to Him, once and for all. He showed me those verses on forgiveness and invited me to let go.
As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
Once again you will have compassion on us. You will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean! Micah 7:19
"Come now, let us settle the matter," says the LORD. "Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. Isaiah 1:18
So, who was I to tell God I was fine? He is the Potter and I am the clay. I gave him and continue to give Him my heart daily. Don't allow anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness to live in my heart. I don't want anything to be a wall between heaven and my prayer, or my worship.
This journey is new. It's a story I'm writing but not the story I would have chosen to share. God. God who loves me and I've given my life to, takes me on a walk into my heart, the heart I didn't want to acknowledge. Didn't want to because sometimes opening certain books to certain pages re-open wounds and hurts we thought were gone, disappeared, and deep in the depths of the ocean. Spoiler alert. If it still hurts and still angers you, then most likely we still need to give it all, give it completely to the Lord so He can completely heal your heart. We gain nothing by living the hurt and the anger over and over again. So, he asked me to allow my heart to be out in the open, and God began a work in me, as I lay there, praying, in the hospital room, laying in bed, asking God for a miracle, to fill the room with His presence and heal our sick bodies. He pointed to my heart and showed me all the areas, all the broken pieces, all the damaged parts that needed attention and that is what the Lord began in me. A new work. I didn't think I needed it. I did.
There's more. I can't fit it all here. Truth is, I'm tired of writing but will write more later. You might be like me. God has brought your life to a halt so you can listen to Him as He tells you the things you need to get in order and work on. It's not your to do list at home. It's your heart, deep inside what no one sees and what no one else but you and the Lord know. So, what do you think? Join me for this journey in heart evaluating and letting God heal? I hope so. Let's bring it all to the Lord.
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