There are things we wish for and things we never choose or desire. If you are a person who believes in prayer, you pray for the best things in life to follow you and for the worst things in life to remain a country or two away. No matter what your particular truth is, one thing cannot be denied. We are all part of this world, this planet and this moment in time where experiences like COVID, vaccines, job loss, financial crisis, health insurance, religious freedom, tolerance, acceptance, and so many other phrases and words are part of our daily diet. Some have sort of been doing just enough to get by and are still here. For others, job loss, medical conditions and their costs, and not being able to move forward after trauma keep us seeking and holding on to words, the words, that can keep the heart believing, if just for one more day.
I can tell you that I need to write about my truth. The truth is that I know joy and I know peace but I know anger and pain in the midst of my daily reality. My eyes are surrounded with beauty, from the beauty of creation to the greatest beauty of all, the faces of my children and those I love. Hope and faith are part of the words that have strengthened me and given me the courage to face the most darkest hours in my life. Together with those words of encouragement, questions also became voices I listened to when I felt too afraid to let someone know I wondered, felt fear and didn't know if I could believe for a miracle. In the midst of a numbness in my emotions, Truth was still louder and stronger than the doubt that whispered. His Truth, God's truth, the truth I had chosen for my life's theme, took center stage when the words in someone's pain accused me, confused me, or made me feel abandoned.
As you read this, you might disagree with my truth. Your version of truth will be based on what you believe, what you know that you know, and what you have chosen to live and represent. My truth may seem simple to some and offensive to others. Faith in an unseen God and choosing to live believing the words in Scripture is not the popular move in today's society. We are more concerned about political correctness than the condition of a heart that needs to be loved. We care more about having the latest phone or sneakers, than praying for and being there for those in the hospitals, nursing homes, prisons, and even quarantined in their homes, alone. The news on the television dedicate great time to how many have died from COVID, and the need to vaccinate. I'd love to see someone dedicate time to speak hope and encouragement. There's talk about providing assistance in different ways for those affected but the truth is, I have yet to find it. I imagine so many are wishing there was truly help for those currently battling COVID, those sent home with long term complications and unable to manage on their way, and resources for those whose families are affected by job loss, continued health issues and death.
Health insurance for working patients or those whose spouse passes away is terminated. You're left alone. I've had to be on the phone until you give up because there is no help. Being able to return to work right away for so many is not an option because many of us go home with so many issues. COVID scars you forever in one way or another. For many, I praise the Lord, that many have not been affected the same way and you've been able in some way to resume a somewhat normal life. Others, like me, our reality is issues with walking, standing, holding a cup of coffee in your hands, not being able to care for yourself, and simple things like being able to feed yourself, read a book like you used to, and that constant exhaustion. Then there are other things like headaches, dizziness, losing your balance, swelling in legs and hands. There are things like pain and aches that medication cannot take away, pain in the lungs, blood clots, not being able to sleep, huge amounts of hair just falling out, rashes, not being able to taste or smell, nausea and so much more. This is COVID. It attacks your body, your insides, your ability to focus and remember. It's a reality for many.
Through all of this, I have a truth I choose to embrace. That in the midst of what is going wrong with my health, and my recovery seems slow, I hold on to the Bible promises that God is my healer and He will complete the work He has started in my body, every part of my being, my mind, and my heart. I choose to see myself dancing again. I believe that God's Word is so real that I see myself working again and excelling in my career as an educator and a leader. I believe that God will do a great work in my family and that these moments in our life now will strengthen us in our faith.
I've read, heard, and seen many religious leaders speak out and say anyone with COVID is in sin. They've gone on social media to say that anyone who has died of COVID or during last year or this year during the pandemic has been forsaken by God and that this is God's judgement on humanity. Their words have been condemnation, hurtful, and full of hate not only to hearts that might not know who Jesus Christ is and what God wants to do in their lives. The venom coming out of so many religious leaders has also been lashed out at Christians, believers, and anyone who has not been spared of COVID or any disease of hardship at this time. Though I believe God's Word wholeheartedly, I cannot be at peace with any religious viewpoint like the ones I shared. God can choose judgement as he pleases and when he wants to. I cannot see that God would just decide to pour out his wrath on everyone just for the fun of it. I've experienced God's love and mercy even when I couldn't pray. I've seen God's people get closer, pray bolder, soak in the scriptures, and hope beyond hope like never before while I was in the hospital. If God was punishing all of us, His presence would not be moving so powerfully, with healing and love the way I've experienced it.
Your truth might be different. I said it before, this is my truth, my story. I am a believer in Christ. I never have and never will identify myself as religious or with any religious group. Religion will never heal a broken heart. Religion can never save a soul. Religion will never offer hope or restore a life that has given up. Only God can give life. Only God can forgive and renew our lives. Only God can give peace when someone we love suddenly dies. Only God, not religion or religious leaders, can hold you close in his loving arms when life hurts and you feel alone.
I am still struggling with all the after affects and so much more than what I've been able to write here for today. I'm tired and wish I could move on faster than what my journey is allowing me to do. The truth is, I didn't want to write this story and God chose it for me. I wanted a story full of all the plans my husband and I had when 2020 was ending. I wanted a story full of family moments together in the new year. I had planned a story where my students were going to grow as learners and I was going to prove that all children could excel. I had made groups for my students and had shared with my husband how I was going to help my students to shine. I had planned a story where my children were going to grow in the Lord, excel in their careers and education, and where I would be a grandma who would do more. God chose to put a stop to my story and has given me a new one to write. God has dealt with my heart in so many ways. He has taken my version of truth and shown me his way of love, his mercy, and his desire to fill every life. Yes, even in our deepest pain, in our regrets, in our despair, we are not abandoned. It feels that way. It seems that way. The truth is God is present in our darkest moment. COVID is not in your life to sentence you to death and eternal separation and condemnation from God. No. Please know that God's heart is to pour out His love on you. He is here to strengthen you and me.
Call out to the Lord. He is for you and not against you. He has a greater plan. We cannot see it now because life hurts. Pray. Cry out to the Lord. Read the Scriptures. Read the book of Psalms. You will be encouraged and changed. You are not a mistake. You are not under a curse. God loves you. God does not hate you. God wants to give you life and life abundantly. The devil is the only one who has come to lie, to steal and destroy God's beautiful creation. Yes, we may be hurting but God understands our pain and He shows up in our affliction. We might disagree on many issues today. I hope that in one thing we agree. God loves you. God's love will get us through every storm and every pain. He chose to heal my husband by taking him to his eternal home in God's presence. Heaven is our home and God's presence is what everyone who has believed on the Name of Jesus, and chosen to trust God with their lives longs for. We await for that moment where we can be in God's presence. God also heals us and we continue to live in this world to finish our purpose.
Please do not be discouraged. Do not give up. God offers life to all who will believe in Him. God heals in so many ways. Bring him your pain, your shattered dreams, your loss, and every area that just plain hurts. Bring God your disappointments. Bring to God your plans and stories that have been changed because of COVID, other disease or sickness, job loss, death in your family, or just life. Life is not always simple. God in us changes everything. Are you willing to try? Can we walk this unknown territory together, believing God will not let go of us, ever? Can we walk our next days together, seeking God and trusting his plan, his ways, his thoughts, and his care for us are better than what we can do for ourselves? I invite you to keep going. I will share more of my experiences and my last days with husband as long as I can write. May the Lord help you and bless you, today and always.
Original Publish April 2021
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