Reading through some bible passages tonight, the video player in my mind replayed those last moments I shared with Frankie in the hospital. I vividly recall his continuous struggle to breathe, to move, to just keep going. I remember not sleeping, just praying, reading the Psalms that promised God was with him, and holding on. I remember believing that if I proclaimed the right scriptures, maintained a positive attitude, and said all the right Christian things to say and prove that I was not doubting, but believing, that Frankie and I were going to emerge from this nightmare victoriously. In this movie of my life, our life, we were going to come out of this untouched by the flames, and we were going to have such a story to share. I kept telling myself to keep saying the right words, reading the right scriptures, and singing the right songs.
"He lets me lie down in fields of green grass. He leads me beside quiet waters. He give me new strength." Psalm 23
There came a time where Frankie's health took a turn for the worse, he was intubated, and taken away to a different area of the Intensive Care Unit. Pain gripped my chest, and I felt guilty. I began to wonder if God was still planning on getting him through. I refused to accept any doctor's outcome that he was not going to make it. I believed for my parents, his family, and mostly for my children, our children. I spoke out loud into the silence of that hospital room, and I told God his promises were to be trusted in and that He was not, is not a man that he could lie. Surely, God has a plan to rescue Frankie from that pit of desperation.
"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid. You are with me." Psalm 23:4
I worked with all I had within me to believe and live out my faith. I embraced the words of scripture as if they were my bread and water. Did I truly have faith? Was it strong enough to get Frankie through this tragedy? Had doubt somehow creep in and my prayers were being hindered from reaching God's throne? I spent many moments trying to reach the Lord and remind him that He was Frankie's help, his refuge and high tower, his God that brings him out of the pit. I spoke to Frankie. I prayed over him through an Ipad provided in the hospital room. I sang to him. I told him I loved him and that everyone was believing a miracle was going to happen.
The medical team told me he could hear me. But, I whispered, "Lord, do YOU hear me?" So, I spoke out into the darkness of my hospital room. I wrestled with God and reminded him of all the plans Frankie and I had made. Our plans. The Lord knew we had spoken them out loud but they would never take place. The tears were gone and for some time, I became numb. I was battling my own health issues, but they seemed unimportant because I recognized I had lost the battle. My husband had lost the battle. Death had won. Or had it? "Father in heaven, do you hear me?"
"I am sure that your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. And I will live in the house of the Lord forever." Psalm 23:6
Here I was, the Christian girl who had tried to live right, and honor God, and tell everyone to believe and not lose hope. Here she was, angry, so empty and unable to even cry. Lord, Lord, you looked away and you took away this moment for Frankie to have a great testimony to share with the world. Oh, God, you abandoned us all. There were no words in me to help me see God's will in all of this even though I had kept saying to the Lord, "Let your will be done. Give me peace to accept your will, even if I disagree. Help me to accept whatever you choose to do." God was letting me see that his goodness and his love were enough for Frankie and that Frankie had made his peace with the Lord. God's love had chosen to take him to live, to dwell, in God's house forever more. Who was I to argue with the King of Kings choosing to take Frankie out and away from his pain and suffering? Now, here was God's word assuring me that His same love would follow my family, my children and I, all the days of our lives.
"I know the plans I have for you," announces the Lord. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Lord, how could this be your plan? Where can you possibly get glory through the death of your son? God, couldn't you have had a different plan for him, for us?
"I want you to enjoy success. I do not plan to harm you." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Success, a good future, says a different version. How do I look at these moments and identify any success or a good future when he was gone? What good future could I possibly imagine if our lives had been completely changed? You do not plan to harm us. Oh, Lord, but this surely felt like the worst kind of pain ever. And, yet, your word challenged me to believe that you could possibly have some good in all of this. You do not plan to harm us. With anger and pain inside of who I was then, I chose to remind myself that I would be still and believe in His will, and His plan for my children, our families, and for me.
"I will give you a hope for the years to come." (Jeremiah 29:11)
Lord, what hope could we hold on to when our lives will never be the same again? He is gone and my future, my children's futures, are only filled with the void and a lack of his presence? Still, God's word, became more powerful still than all my anger, and all my questions, bringing me to remember that God still had and has a plan in the midst of our great sorrow.
Life is hard. At times it sucks and it's not fair. But, when we have chosen to trust in the Lord, in his way, he will show up and help us see His love in the midst of the decisions we don't understand and are struggling with. Loss is hard. I don't believe it ever stops being hard. Yet, we know that just as we're born, we are also to one day depart from this world. That is why it's important to make your peace with the Lord, and truly embrace Him and invite him to make His dwelling place in our hearts. I remember Frankie worshipping the Lord in the hospital and that will forever be in my mind. He celebrated and rejoiced with the Lord before I could understand that Frankie already saw himself with the Lord, in his presence.
Tonight, I choose to fall asleep knowing that my husband, and all who have gone to be with the Lord, are truly rejoicing and full of a peace we could only dream of. God's will, a mystery so great and hard to understand, but God's will, the perfect place to place our lives, in his hands. I fall asleep knowing that God's future plan for those of us who remain here is a good one. I wish there was something written to direct me on what to do next. Until he shows me the way, I remain waiting on Him for every moment of this part of my life, completely dependent on my Lord.
I'll be praying for you if you're going through a similar storm, or anything that is hard to accept at this moment. God will help you through this. I am here to listen and pray with you.
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