The Land of I Don't Know

 

Remembering Us~ December 2020

These past few weeks have been spent wrestling with so what we call life. We plan our lives. Education, career, marriage, family. We pray and ask God to lead every step and every decision. Life happens while we are living what we believe to be safe in God's hands. 

With all the promises found in scripture, I have learned in these past few weeks that there are no guarantees that as believers we are exempt from pain, disappointments, and chaos. I had always spoken the words of life and hope into my situations. I believe. And still, sickness comes. Death comes. Sadness comes. Pain comes.

As I found myself in the Land of I Don't Know, it seemed it was a place of doubt, confusion and darkness. Sadness lingered and there were visual and emotional reminders of how my life, our life, has suddenly changed. It's easy to feel hopeless when it seems your life is falling apart. Oh, but for God's promises even when our hearts are broken and our bodies are in pain!

It has been in "the Land of I Don't Know" that I questioned the Lord. I wrestled with scripture and I chose to pray again and again when my heart was not even feeling the desire to pray. I searched again. Fear made me believe it was wrong to speak to God and really express what was going on inside of me. Would sharing my heart be a sign my faith was too small to hold on? The Bible on my table called out to me and I felt like Alice in Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Caroll, with all the obvious pieces of paper around her inviting her to read. "Drink me. Eat me." Then, there's the key for her to look at and choose what she will do.

I opened my mouth and said, "Lord, I am here in this place of uncertainty. I am here in this place where I don't know, I don't know what to do. I don't know what is going to happen next. I don't know about my tomorrows. Open my ears to hear and listen. Open my eyes to see what you are showing me."

The Lord will provide. He led me to passages where I found others in time past that had found themselves in this same land of uncertainty. God placed people in my day to call me and tell me their resurrection story. They affirmed me saying, "If God did it for me, He can do this for you." The Lord placed a desire in me to visit a church I had not visited in a long time. The longing would not go away. So, with my forever friend, Mom, by my side, we found ourselves sitting in church again. 

"God is a God of miracles."

These first words began to chronicle my story. Many times Mom just patted my side confirming the words that were being spoken, her way of saying, "This is for you. This is for us."

And, just like that, I was reminded that God raises the dead and heals the sick. I was reminded that God has not forsaken me or my family. I was reminded that God's plan did not end when my kids became sick, when I felt hopeless, or when my husband passed on to be with the Lord. I could see my husband resting in glory with the Lord and suddenly it didn't hurt so much. 

Hope was planted and I could see things differently. Nothing had changed but everything is about to change. 

Today, I am still in the Land of I Don't Know because I truly do not know what my next steps are. But, I am not feeling the way I did yesterday when I felt stuck and on a permanent stay in this valley of darkness and indecision. Today, even here where I don't know what to do is a reality, I choose to say, "God is in control" and "Lord, you will order my steps. I will trust in You."

Here is this pit, in this cave, hidden in the shadows of all that has been pressing me down these past few months, I choose to say, "I believe." and "My Redeemer lives." and "You, oh God, will heal me. You are my Refuge. I run to you and find safety. You are my Peace, my Joy, and you restore my hope. I find and receive my Strength in Your love, in your presence and in your Word."

Today, I see the door opening wider than yesterday. I won't lie. Sickness hovers. Pain is real. The body feels defeated. Exhaustion wears me down. But my heart and everything within me chooses to seek the Lord and believe He will complete the word He has begun in this body of mine. I choose to believe, like the Good Samaritan, God has sent his people to find me, take me to a place of healing, and I am in a place where He will complete the healing in my body and in my life. I choose His Resurrection power to freely move in my home, in the lives of my children and in my family. "Have your way, Lord."

I am usually the encourager. I am usually the one writing to remind you that you can make it and God is with you. Sometimes the battle comes and it seems we are knocked down for a little longer than we expected. Fear comes regarding my work, my health and my future. Hope has been awakened in me and I place every care and every fear in the big black garbage bags that went out last night. Gone! Everything that says I cannot move forward, Gone! Placed in the Hands of the Potter. I am clay in your hands Lord. Gone is the feeling I cannot get up again. Gone are the thoughts that I am forsaken and forgotten. Gone are the ideas that I have lost or will lose all I worked so hard for. 

In His hands. He is a God of Miracles. I choose to see even the difficult moments in of not knowing what my next step will be. God of miracles, God of the Impossible, walk in to my life today and stay.