A recent conversation reminded me to watch what I was going to say. I repeated the thought to myself, Make sure you say something nice and positive. I had made some enormous mistakes lately and knew once you spew out the venom laced-words, you cannot only never take them back, but it's impossible to stop the damage those sentences cause. I'm not saying that I could not or would not be forgiven. But, no matter how many apologies one says after pulling the trigger in our mouths, those bullet holes made by words sort of stay on the heart and the flesh as a reminder of your thoughtless outbursts.
What can I tell you? I was feeling a bit frustrated as our conversation headed towards trusting God. We were pumped up in sharing all the great things the Lord had done in the past. Wow! Truly God had made it His priority to show up in our lives and help us see that He was with us. We talked about how the Lord's presence had accompanied us during our first years in ministry. Many times the church leaders were against the things we were being led to do to reach souls. God always showed up and backed up our baby Christian heart and passion. Story after story we talked about how the Lord planted ideas in our hearts and with our new understanding of the Lord and scripture, we boldly stepped forward into serving him. We were on fire to serve the Lord and he blessed us.
It was a great delight to remember days in the streets, talking to anyone that would listen to the story of how much Jesus loved them. From being dressed as a clown to tell a child that they were special in God's eyes and He made them perfect in their mom's womb, to praying for people after preaching and seeing the Lord heal the hurting. God had showed up when a pastor said I couldn't preach or couldn't preach from the altar because only men preached or only men could stand on a holy altar. God showed up and not only ministered in the church, but used people that night to show the leaders how wrong they were for their treatment of me in front of a congregation.
No one who hopes in you will ever be put to shame, Psalm 25:3
God showed up when we were being told to move on and not preach about Jesus on the streets. God showed up by using the store owner. He came out to see why we were being harassed. He then proceeded to take our equipment and connected us to his store and said, "Now you have what you need. Go ahead and talk about what you were going to talk about." Then, right after, a man who had been drinking for some time came to us and said, "Preach! I'm listening. No one is going to bother you. You do what you have to do until you're finished because while I am here, no one will stop you." That day, God was not only glorified in that street corner, but that man gave his life to the Lord.
I remember walking through Brooklyn in the early hours of the morning. Along with a group of young adults with a heart for the lost, we spoke to people getting high or getting drunk in the neighborhood. We were fearless because we knew God was with us. Upon entering the projects, a shoot out started and there were guns fired all around us. I remember being pushed to the cement. None of us were hurt. God heard our prayers and he used that scene to touch the people around us. They listened to the message of God's gift of love for them and allowed us to pray for them. Yes, God could even use something as scary as a shoot out to show others He loves them, even when they've chosen to walk in darkness and sin.
It was awesome to go back to those moments where God's presence was so real you could reach out and touch Him in the very air surrounding us. As I began to get ready to speak, once again, I was reminded to be mindful and very careful of my words. Angie, sometimes, many times, your words cause damage, so be slow to speak. Yet as I heard these words deep inside of me, they found a way of coming out, carefully, because honestly, I did not want to offend or hurt with my words.
See, the truth is we were having an awesome time talking about what the Lord had done in our teen years and our early years as new Christians. We were remembering how powerful God had moved in our lives ten and twenty years ago. And then it came out.
"It's great to remember, but then I ask God, where are you now? Where were you when I asked you, implored with you, to allow a miracle to happen and let my husband live? Where were you Lord when we needed to be protected and you have allowed my three children to get sick and you also took their father?" And the wisdom I lacked in that moment was given a hundred times over to the person sharing that time with me.
"I know exactly how you feel and I've been there before. But, God knows the answer that we cannot give you. We have all asked God things like that but He still cares and He still has a plan. He allows those really difficult situations to happen so we can see him, somehow, sooner or later, but we will if we choose to let Him work in us in our pain. You alone will be able to help someone else that is going through what you are going through right now."
His words were gentle and I knew God was giving him those words because my spirit was calm and I could not respond. "God is God and He is in control. Get up and do the things you used to do, the things God is putting in your heart to do now, or those things you said you wanted to do but didn't because of fear or whatever reason. Move now, regardless of how you feel, and do for God what He puts in your heart."
So much more was shared, and I am glad the Lord's invisible hand kept my lips seared so that I could not speak and try to break my brother's flow of words, God's words, not his. I am grateful that the Lord didn't allow me to just speak out my pain like a spoiled child, but gave me just enough to say what I felt in my heart. He chose to use my brother to remind me not only of our past, but that the same God that used our lives and gave us purpose before, was the very same God directing us and leading us, last week, yesterday and today. He's the same God calling us to rise up and do the work given to us, even in our pain, even in our loss, and even when we could not understand His plan and His purpose.
Move forward trusting His will. Later, on my way, I allowed my heart to speak out. "Lord, it still hurts. I'm not going to lie to you because you know me and you know my heart no matter how I try to sugar coat each word. I don't understand why you have done what you've done, but I know I prayed for your will to be done. So, give me peace and help me to speak only words that are directed by you, your love, your mercy and for your glory. Use me. Use me not as you did before, but as you can use me now. I'm not that same girl you used before to sing or dance or dress up to be silly for children's church. I am a broken woman, a mother who is hurting, a child who needs her Heavenly Abba more than her next breath."
Tonight, as I finish hitting these keys to end this blog, I choose to believe God has heard my heart's petition. I choose to trust in His perfect will. I choose to trust You, Lord.
-Your daughter, Angeline
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