By Angeline M Duran Santiago
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This time, last year, Frankie and I were busy planning. Our imagination filled out calendar with wishful thinking. We hoped the whole COVID-19 scare would begin to lessen and family moments could be planned once more. Uncertainty, fear, and isolation had guided most everyone we knew. The daring went away on vacation, and those of us like me, wanting to preserve our gatherings, well, we stood home. But, when the silent enemy of sickness has already decided to creep into your home, all you can do is pray and believe God will somehow protect you and see you through.
Today, I am once again planning. Sadly, this year I am planning alone. Sitting here on my bed, I remember all the difficulties of those days where I didn't know what tomorrow would be like. Yet, here we are. Here I am. Thinking of all the things I wish for but at the same time letting God know that I am totally okay with His interruptions of my plans. Truth is that is one very difficult statement. I am not okay with change and do not handle the storms as well as I thought I would. Yet, I am realistic enough to say that I know God has my best at heart and that when I disagree and feel disappointed in how things turn out, I am choosing to believe that in the end, I will see and understand.
We plan. God lets us fill our pretty calendars and planners with our agendas. As the year comes to a close, I wonder if it is worth planning again or if I still have it all wrong? I look back at the things that were major thoughts in my mind and in my heart just a few months ago and I think I have a lot to change as I sit here looking at this calendar for my new year.
A new year. Am I ready to wake up to a new year the same way. The same me? Or have I truly taken to heart the unseen surgeries God's Spirit has done in my life these past few months? I remember wondering at times if I was going to make it and that if it was destined for me to pass on, was I ready to stand before my Heavenly Father? Truth is I was not. You know, there are so many things we put on the shelf, sort of like many people do when it comes to how they feel about a small, white lie. I've learned that no matter what, it is still a lie. And yet, we overlook so many other "white lie" moments in our hearts as if they were not just as hurtful. God's Light illuminated the corners of my heart were I still held on to hurts and unforgiveness.
Reading scripture and looking for promises to hold on to while we were in the hospital room, my eyes fell upon verses that reminded me that hating my brother or calling my sister an unkind name, even in the secret part of my heart, was the same as murder. Here I was, wondering if I was ready for heaven, and God showed me that I had to forgive the wrong done to me and I had to forgive that person that had hurt me. "Lord, but..." and "Lord, but!!!" I wanted to justify the pain in my heart because it had been there so long. I wanted God to give me a free out of jail Monopoly game card so I could be excused to feel the way I did. "But, you know what she did. God, you know what he said. Lord, she did it more than once. Jesus, he did the same thing so many times. How do you want me to forgive?""Yet, you come to me for forgiveness and I forgive you." He spoke through his Word and He spoke to my heart. I had to forgive and I had to let go. Because I want to see heaven. I want to see my Savior. I want to see all those that have gone before me. I want to see Frankie, again. As the year ends, I feel the Lord still tugging at my heart, "Have you forgiven them all? Have you allowed healing to happen in your heart? Are you still holding anything against them?" My response has to be, "I have forgiven Lord, and I will forgive." It reminds me of something my Mom has said a few times this week and I wonder if it's God just filling her mouth so she keeps saying it to me until I get it right? People are just people and they are not perfect. These people around us, they love God and they are godly people that God uses powerfully, but they are still people and they will mess up. They will make mistakes and hurt others. Still, they are there for us and we have to love everyone.
Mom's wisdom speaking into the questions I do not ask. Yet, somehow she has the ability to speak about things I have not mentioned but God knows I need to hear. So, I bring this before you. As the year comes to an end, have you chosen to forgive and let go? We do not imagine what the new year will bring, but I believe we need to enter it with heaven in mind. "What do you choose for me this year, Lord? What is your will for my life? Here is my heart and change me so that I can love others, forgive, and be the vessel of honor you see me to be in Your hands."
We plan. Oh, how Frankie and I planned in December of 2020. But, it is not our plans that prosper but the plans and the will of God. Proverbs 19:21 Many are the plans in a man's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 16:9, The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. We planned but God's purpose prevailed. We planned and God directed Frankie's steps towards His heavenly throne and mine, to learn to walk again, to try and live again. The year is coming to an end my friend. Are you placing your plans and your will in the hands of a God that knows our tomorrow better than we do? Are we asking God's will and God's direction? I am humbled to say I thought I truly was living that way but now I see that in so many ways I was just existing and trying to do what I believed was God's way for me but I am learning again. So much to unlearn and so much to learn anew. To sit at the feet of the Master and just soak it all in. That is where I am today. Where are you, my friend?
Tonight, I do not know what God has for me. I imagine some things. Others, I wonder. I wonder about what He has for my kids, my parents, my loved ones and our future. Where would you have my feet go, Lord? Direct my steps. Where do I invest my time, my efforts, all I am? Lead me. Change me. Help me to forgive and love without limits and without conditions. Teach me to love with a strong love. To love like you. Help me to laugh again. To embrace the hurting and feel their pain. To know and understand.
I give you my planner, this pretty calendar with all the stickers and amazing quotes. Erase my agenda and fill it with yours. Open my eyes to see what I am too blind and too caught up in my own life to see. Open my heart to feel the way I need to and not the way my heart wants to keep feeling, my way, no. Not my way but yours. Your will. Your heart. Your purpose. Closer to You. Closer to Heaven. Closer to hearing your voice in my life daily.
May we enter the new year prayerfully, with an expectation of all things Jesus.
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