Saturday, June 1, 2013

Surrendering My Heart to You Lord

Today my heart is heavy. I think of where I should be by now, and see that I am no where. My life began with doors that opened at once so easily, and I truly believed so many things were going to come to pass. But, I wonder, why am I here?

It is not a place of failure, for I know my hope and my faith is completely in the Lord.
It is not a place of fulfillment, for the things that should be are not. 

Some years ago I was leading in so many ways. There seemed to be potential to do so many things. Perhaps believing that my outcome was linked to other people was my first error. Aligning myself with those who appeared to be walking in one accord with the Lord seemed the right thing to do. I had learned that submitting to your leader is submitting to the Lord because the leader hears and receives from the Lord. The anointing flows from the outpouring of the Lord, upon the leaders and we are the receivers as well as we remain following and serving the vision. I have come to believe that sharing my desires, my dreams, and my hopes with others, was a second move towards my decline. I felt assured that those I trusted were not only on my side, but were completely connected with the Lord. 

Today my heart is heavy because I want so much more. I want to pray and see miracles happen. I want to believe more and more. I reach out for faith and ask the Lord to grant me the faith to believe in something greater than what I see before me. I want to see healing, not only in hearts and lives that are broken, but in the bodies of those around me depending on medication. Lord, I want more. 

I feel that at times I've been far away, though I thought I was so close. But, its impossible because if I am truly walking aligned with your will, then I will be experiencing more of the fullness of your glory and your power. Lord, you are the way, the road to where my heart longs to be. You are the path to the end of this journey my life has taken. There are swirls and turns, loops and stop signs. And I ask you to come and bring closure to the things in my past that cannot be changed. I ask you to come and bring renewal to the things you know I can walk in and become. If I never do the things I did in your name before, I would lie to say I would not miss them. For in serving you with my gifts I discovered a closeness to you and a deep fellowship with You that words cannot explain. But, you know my future and you know my right now. 

This moment, I want whatever you plan and will for me. For this moment. No more heaviness in my heart. No more questioning. Only serving and loving you and waiting upon the new things you have for me. For I know dear Lord, that I have not been forsaken or abandoned. 

This is my heart Lord, I expose it to you and I share it with others because I know I am not alone in this place of lost and broken dreams. I know that I am not alone in the walk of going from place to place trying to find where I belong. Rise up dear Lord and take us in your care today, for we need you. My children need you. My family needs you. We need You Lord. Have your way.