HOW MANY TIMES, LORD?

By Angie Duran

Here I go again, Lord. 
Forgiveness.

Wasn't I here before? 
Didn't we cover this already?

Here I am again. 
Listening to, 
"I'm sorry."

Oh, Lord. My heart 
has become calloused and 
my mind hears the words. 

But, my mind refuses 
to make the connection.

I've been here 
too many times before. 

The same story comes into play 
over and over.

A rewind of the past 
quickly takes place and I find myself 
far away,

Observing an earlier version of me,
In this episode,
on replay.

This path.

This road.

You know it well, Lord.

You've been here with me.

The lies. The deceit. The regrets.

It always lead right back to me 
and all eyes stop to look at me.

Everyone is waiting for my reply.

I hear their reasons and excuses.
Can I deny the forgiveness,

I see the reasons why I should 
walk away and never look back.

Then I see that always, 
on this path,

I've never been alone.

You've always stood by my side 
waiting to see 
if I'll know what to do.

My heart says, "No." 

My heart cries out, "Not again!"

An image of Calvary 
enters my mind to remind me

That I have failed so many times before, too.

And just because my wrongs have been different,

My wrongs are still reasons to say, "Forgive me."

You've forgiven me without a second thought.

Your hand of mercy has quickly 
lifted me and placed me on high.

Why is it so hard to forgive over and over again?

Again, the same wrongs and offenses that could have,
should have, 
been avoided.

Yet, this is not hard for You, 
Lord, you don't get all worked
up about forgiveness.

You not only forgive but You forget,

You place our sins as far as the East is from the West,

You bury our wrongs in the sea of Forgetfulness,

You carry each burden 
upon Your back and remember it no more.

Lord, I'm tired.

I'm not like You.

I want to love and believe and hope.

Deep inside I want to acknowledge people can change.

Without You, they cannot.

Without You, they don't know how.

All they can say is, "I'm sorry."

All they can say is, "Forgive me, again,"

God, Dear God, 
Here I am on this road again. 

The trees are bare 
from Winter's breath and the grass has long gone.

Arctic winds have filled my heart 
and I don't even feel hurt,
Just numb.

So I sit at your feet and ask for Your strength

To do what is easy for you but hard for me.

Because You have forgiven me, 
I will forgive.

Because You have loved me, I will love.

Because You have believed in me, I will hope.

I will hope for them 
to know You and truly seek Your ways,

For had their hearts been surrendered to You

They voice of destruction they would 
have avoided.
Sin would not have been entertained
And the door would not have 
been opened.

Here I am, again, Lord.

In the hardness and heaviness of my moment,

I give it all to You.

How many times, Lord?

Why do I ask?

I know the answer....
Seventy times seven,

But that's not what You really meant, right?

Infinity times infinity,

That's more accurate, 
I am sure.

Because of who You are in my life I surrender 

into doing it Your way.

Your way leads to life

And I choose life

Your way leads to freedom

Forgiveness gives birth to freedom.

How many times, Lord?

Lead me and I'll follow,
I should have known your reply,

You never tire of saying

"You're sins are forgiven."
and
"Go, and sin no more."

~*~

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