HOW MANY TIMES, LORD?

By Angie Duran

Here I go again, Lord.
Forgiveness.

Wasn't I here before?
Didn't we cover this already?

Here I am again.
Listening to,
"I'm sorry."

Oh, Lord. My heart
has become calloused and
my mind hears the words.

But, my mind refuses
to make the connection.

I've been here
too many times before.

The same story comes into play
over and over.

A rewind of the past
quickly takes place and I find myself
far away,

Observing an earlier version of me,
In this episode,
on replay.

This path.

This road.

You know it well, Lord.

You've been here with me.

The lies. The deceit. The regrets.

It always lead right back to me
and all eyes stop to look at me.

Everyone is waiting for my reply.

I hear their reasons and excuses.
Can I deny the forgiveness,

I see the reasons why I should
walk away and never look back.

Then I see that always,
on this path,

I've never been alone.

You've always stood by my side
waiting to see
if I'll know what to do.

My heart says, "No."

My heart cries out, "Not again!"

An image of Calvary
enters my mind to remind me

That I have failed so many times before, too.

And just because my wrongs have been different,

My wrongs are still reasons to say, "Forgive me."

You've forgiven me without a second thought.

Your hand of mercy has quickly
lifted me and placed me on high.

Why is it so hard to forgive over and over again?

Again, the same wrongs and offenses that could have,
should have,
been avoided.

Yet, this is not hard for You,
Lord, you don't get all worked
up about forgiveness.

You not only forgive but You forget,

You place our sins as far as the East is from the West,

You bury our wrongs in the sea of Forgetfulness,

You carry each burden
upon Your back and remember it no more.

Lord, I'm tired.

I'm not like You.

I want to love and believe and hope.

Deep inside I want to acknowledge people can change.

Without You, they cannot.

Without You, they don't know how.

All they can say is, "I'm sorry."

All they can say is, "Forgive me, again,"

God, Dear God,
Here I am on this road again.

The trees are bare
from Winter's breath and the grass has long gone.

Arctic winds have filled my heart
and I don't even feel hurt,
Just numb.

So I sit at your feet and ask for Your strength

To do what is easy for you but hard for me.

Because You have forgiven me,
I will forgive.

Because You have loved me, I will love.

Because You have believed in me, I will hope.

I will hope for them
to know You and truly seek Your ways,

For had their hearts been surrendered to You

They voice of destruction they would
have avoided.
Sin would not have been entertained
And the door would not have
been opened.