Stuck in quicksand that pulls me but doesn't drown me.
Am I supposed to make the effort to get out of this pit?
I stopped reaching out to You.
Paralyzed by doubt, fear, confusion and insecurities.
Unable to move by things foreign to me in the past but so present and real in my right now. Standing still and waiting.
Praying and sometimes not praying.
Waiting and sometimes not knowing what I'm waiting for.
It's when I go on living using yesterday's prayers.
It's like trying to go on for a few days based on the last meal a few days ago.
Like trying to make the car go when the last time you added gas was over a week ago, but you expect it to go when the key goes in. So, you pray for one or two days, and then you decide to go with your life for the next few days in expectation.
Can you live in a house and only speak to those who live there with you on weekends or when you feel the urge to speak? Can you abide together as if you are alone, coexisting yet ignoring one another as if silence were invisible?
And so it is with talking to God through times of prayer.
How can you pray today and tomorrow but not the day after? How can I pray for a season or a moment and yet so easily put aside the most necessary conversation of my day?
Stuck. I am stuck because I have not prayed. Prayers....ceased.
Time with God, delayed. I stopped reaching out to You.
What do I need, Lord?
I need wisdom, oh so much wisdom. There are so many things in this head of mine and unless you fill it with wisdom, I'm walking around in circles, Lord.
I need courage. I need boldness to push myself out the door, to walk up the stairs and take the train to my breakthrough.
I need strength, strength to push myself through when the voices are so loud and all I hear is how impossible the next step is. I need You to help me run through the buzzing sounds of feeling inadequate and hopeless.
Prayer. Begin again. Restore. Come alive!
Talking to You, Lord. Everything in my heart. Everyone on my mind. Every doubt, every failure, every moment.
Every sickness, every disease, every sickness, every burden.
All the troubles, all that is missing, what is lacking, what is dying. Every thought, every decision, every stand still moment. I've brought it to the table. I reach out to You.
Show me, Lord.
I will wait.
It is You that arises and moves the waves around me to get me to the other side. The other side. Riding on the waves by faith. In the midst of the storm, you shall, you will, get me to the other side. He will bring you, maybe soaking wet, but He will bring you to the other side.
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