SOME TIME AGO......

Written By Angeline M Duran Santiago

I've always been the kind of person that has wanted to succeed and in being that way, I've worked hard, really hard, most of my life, to achieve those things I had planned and wanted to accomplish by a certain age.

Funny thing is, we plan, and like the saying goes, "God laughs."

For the past three years, my life has been a swirl of tornadoes, up and down, a roller coaster of emotional and physical defeats and uncertainty. I look back and can see the times I thought my faith and courage were so strong. The moment I allowed myself to curl up into a ball of fear and doubt, was the moment my world went into greater chaos.


Fear and worry come in without us realizing they are present. We can pray like crazy, cite scripture and sing along to our favorite songs, but if we have allowed worry to enter our thoughts, we are walking on broken glass and entering defeat.

Worry, doubt and fear are siblings. They stay with you and don't just take you down but they incapacitate those around you. Fear gives birth to a wall that pushes you and those around you back, stopping you from growing, pursuing your dreams, and helping others thrive and make it. My moment of worry affected my children, affected their growth, their decisions, their ability to make better choices and be strong through the hard times we endured.

I will forever feel regret of not handling those moments of difficulties that came as someone that should have remembered, "God is with me and he'll never fail." At times, I didn't see the way out. God had promised to provide, but I worried. God had promised to place me in a better position at work, but I worried and doubted, God had promised to provide for my children's needs, but I couldn't see how, and God had promised to work in my finances and my marriage, and still, I just couldn't see how when we were in so much turmoil.

New Living Translation
A psalm of David. The LORD is my light and my salvation--so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble? 
Psalm 27:1

Today, I am grateful for my mistakes, although I can honestly say, it still hurts to see where my fears and worries have led me to. I am grateful because now I can truly see that my job is to truly understand what it means to let go and let God. Worry has to go, so does fear and doubt. It has no place in a believers heart. Look, I know the problems come. I can tell you what I went through and you can tell me what you've gone through. At the end of it all, we have a choice. We either hold on to God's hands and allow him to take us through the difficult times in our lives, or we sit down and cover ourselves and hide from the world.

Lord, forgive me for the moments in my past where I couldn't see that I had allowed fear, doubt and worry to become the center of my world. Lord, forgive me for not standing strong in the battle and facing my demons, like they say. Forgive me for not being a support of strength and hope for my children when they needed me the most. Forgive me for the times I stopped being the encourager and wallowed in myself and my moment. Forgive me for not fighting. I knew how to fight, how to pray, how to stand, and instead, I just waited like a puppet, waiting for the master's hand to come in and make it move and talk. Forgive me for falling apart when my world came crashing down, instead of taking your word, my sword in my hands, and breaking down everything that came against me.

If you are facing a really tough time right now, don't allow yourself to embrace fear, worry or doubt. They will not seem to be there, but if you study what your actions do, you will realize when they are present. Fill yourself with faith and surround yourself with people that will fight with you. God is able to bring you out of all hard times. He has done it with me. This is why I can boldly and freely share today, because I couldn't see what was happening. I just thought it was just one more trial. But, no. In the midst of our trials, God has given us the Victory. Take it. Believe it. Declare it! God is with you and that's all you need in order to stand strong!

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