WHEN I REMEMBER YESTERDAY

I've gotten older.
And, although I've gotten older and at times I've wondered if some of the things I've dreamed for and hoped for will ever come to be a reality in my life, I've decided to continue to remain positive, even when life seems to throw the curve ball at me. My life has seen small glimpses of success and then great plummets downhill really fast.

There are many moments in my life that have sort of just past me by and I'm like, "When did this happen? How did it all just go by so quickly? I mean, when did I stop being 30?"
I had so many ministry goals, so many plans of where I would be by a certain age, the multitudes I would reach with the gospel, where I'd be in regards to my finances, my ministry and my life, and then I look in the mirror and there's so little of what I wanted looking at me. Am I disappointed? Perhaps, in some ways. When we write our goals down and work towards them, we expect to see growth in those things we plant and water with care. But, it is God who makes it all grow, not us. He knows what needs to flourish in our lives, not what we want. After all, are we not praying, "Thy will be done, not mine?"

Yes, I wish I were elsewhere in my career. Yes, I wish there was no sickness in my home or in my own body. And, yes, I wish I had made it to another level in ministry in regards to music and the arts. Do I call it a failure if I am not where I imagined myself to be when I was in my youth?

Through the roller coaster journey that my life has been, I've learned one thing- or should I say, I'm still learning, right?
I see that I make plans, but God decides the outcome. The failures in my life do not mean I have failed or that God has abandoned me, rather, this has been my journey and it is through this journey that I have learned to see God's greatness greater than I imagined.

In my past, I always thought I would live my days preaching to great multitudes. Here I am, writing to an audience of One and pouring my heart to the One who gives my hands the ability to write out my fears, my triumphs, and my joys. 

You know, when I first started with the Arts and Dance in church, I was told it was not of the Lord. Along with others, we were cast out of churches, called sinners, and told we were bringing the world into the church. I would be invited to minister with my puppets and clown ministry only to be told to change my costume into regular clothes or leave because clowns were from the devil. I remember being told I couldn't be on the altar because I was pregnant, and not being allowed to preach in a woman's convention that had been planned months in advance. The things I put up with before I guess were all allowed by the Lord to pave the way and make the way clear for those who easily get up on the altar now and dance away, mime away, clown and puppeteer away. 

In my past, I imagined witnessing until my last days through music, song, and dance. Yet, the only movement I make now are the recitals in my mind, but oh, they are praises to the Lord and I give them to Him with all my might. I look back and see that although I may not be where I used to be or where I would like to be, there are hundreds that the Lord allowed me to teach, inspire, train and lift up and not they lead others in the arts, in dance and music. So, although my feet may seem frozen in time, they join the dancers far away that I may never see but only hear about. Even though I may never sing again, my voice unites to heavenly choirs raising praises to the Lord.

I have gotten older.
But, I am not done.
I pray that if you have seen yourself like me, done, old, an outcast in the things of the Lord, forgotten and put away, that you will hear the Lord calling you out and saying, "I am not done. I am not finished with you."

I believe the Lord is saying to those of us who may have given our all in years past and now seem to be on stand by, that we are called to pray and continue to inspire others, but we too, still have much to do. Our hands and feet can still do so much for the Lord. Our voices are not gone.

Lord, I don't know what I'm supposed to do next. 
My heart for so many things in the past is still ignited. The doors have closed and only You know all things. My body is tired and maybe I am not that young girl I once was, but I love you and I yearn wholeheartedly to serve you.

I know you do, also.
God has not pushed us to the back side.
We are not forgotten. We are still vessels in God's hands. But, we are also partners with the Lord, raising up our children to be instruments in the Lord's hands. We need to help our kids sense and know what we did as teens in the Lord. We need to share with our kids our passion and our heart for the ways of God, before the world teaches them that the way of the Lord is a waste, profits nothing and that it is without a purpose.

Lord, lift me up and ignite in me what needs to be rekindled so that I may be a flame that burns consistently for my children, my family and everyone around me. Let me not look at what I lack, but help me to focus on what you have given me to give to others. Let me be a voice that speaks out in the wilderness, in the darkness and into the hearts of my children. Let my life be an example that shows living and believing in You is not ridiculous, but the true way.

Lord, rekindle in me the strength and the heart to pray and seek your Face, but even more, touch my kids to seek you and serve you. In Jesus name, amen.