Thursday, January 19, 2017

I'M STRUGGLING, LORD!

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"Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts."
Psalm 139:23

Struggling. It's a real place for many of us this morning. It's not that we don't believe or that we don't have faith. It's just that, well, we're struggling. I don't like struggling. It means life is like an uphill climb where I'm carrying a backpack filled with cement. It means something in my environment feels like I'm pulling west and it's pulling me east. I'm facing difficult situations and deciding on moments that are overwhelming and I feel pulled from both arms and I'll rip in two any moment.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." 

Philippians 4:6-7

I know that as a mom, I'm not alone in this feeling. It's a feeling and a reality in my life and many of your lives as you read, where you just don't have any answers. So, what do we do? What do I do? I do the only thing I know and it's to pray. I go to the One who has the answers. I run to the One who is full of the resources my mind needs and my life longs for. I talk to God. No. I don't say, "Yo or Hey man, What's up?" I just say, "Father, It's a mess here in this part of my world right now. I guess You already know that. But, it's me, the one you love. Can you spend some time with me and just lead me, guide me and show me the way, Your way."

"You will seek me and find me 
when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:13

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Honesty. It's what we have to be in front of the Lord. He knows me completely any ways, right? But, I come before my Heavenly Father and I have to be real. "Lord, I feel at times like I'm going crazy!" Other times, "Lord, I'm beyond exhaustion and can't even think straight." and then, "God, I just surrender. Flood me with your presence, Lord. I just need You, desperately." It's these moments that the warmth of His Love has just covered me like one of those warm, fuzzy blankets that I love so much. His presence is better than Ben-gay on my  achy body and better than the famous Vapor Rub on my back and chest when winter has gifted me with the Flu. God's love melts away the heavy sensation upon my chest and He reminds me, "You're not alone in this struggle. I am on your side. Here, with you, right now."

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, 
and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Exhausted. Struggling. Yup. It's the place where I want to crawl under the bed and hide because facing life as a grown up and as a parent is so hard at times. It's easy to have fingers pointed at us to make us feel like a failure. God knows I've tried so hard to be a good parent, a loving parent and an understanding parent. I've tried to be one who encourages and pushes them when they need it. But, right now, God, it's not working. It seems like I'm flunking this test or motherhood really bad. I can't seem to find the resources my youngest needs right now and all roads lead to me as the one with the faults and the mess ups. 

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"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 
your ears will hear a voice behind you, 
saying, "This is the way; walk in it. " Isaiah 30;21

And, still through all of this, Lord, I choose to take the little free time I get each day to seek Your presence and the answers I need in Your Word. Speak to me today, Lord. Speak to anyone that needs to hear from you. We need your presence, your guidance and the wisdom to make the right choices. Inspire us and show us the way that means forward. Give me the confidence to walk this road depending on You. Provide me with the help that can only come from you.

"My heart says of you, "Seek His face!" 
Your face, Lord, I will seek." Psalm 27:8

I lay my heart and my all in your hands, dear God. You are my hope and my everything. I give you my home, my family, my situations, and my son. I give you my mess ups, my traumas, my wrong decisions and my lacks. Fill in the gaps where I don't have the right move or the correct words. Stand with me. Strengthen me. Provide for the areas in my life where I need to grow. Take over my emotions and guide my heart. Lord. Have your way, today and every day. In Jesus Name. Amen.

"God is our refuge and strength, 
a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1

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Blog Written by Angeline M Duran Santiago

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