Written By Angeline M Duran Santiago
I take the blame. I am guilty. The fault is mine.
So much of what happens points to those moments in our lives when we either made a good choice or a not so great one. The end product of what comes my way, I think, is perhaps the result of moments of ignoring what should never have been ignored and not dealing with what should have been spoken about, perhaps out of fear. Fear paralyzes and keeps us from confronting what needs to be tackled head on. My silence or my choice to ignore many things, hoping they would change, gave voice and power to those very things I was hoping would fade away.
And, here we are. Here I am.
The questions I have are spoken loudly but you cannot hear me. Each time I attempt to speak them, your voice is louder and your anger blurs each sentence, pushing me back into silent mode. You are still stuck in the same place when I've asked you to move forward. You are still in the same level when I've constantly tried to turn the knob to second and third and fourth level. Your resistance has kept you reliving the past when we should've moved forward into the present, into our destiny and our calling, but we could not. I could not. Because I am still with you and your denial to believe you can overcome the hurts of the past keep you from graduating and moving on.
Here we are. When we should be embracing what can be some of our best years, we are back to yesterday. But, why are we here? Why is yesterday the train stop you keep getting off at? Why is it that you cannot change your destination, and when you need direction you return to the past, looking for the broken GPS that never led you out of the dark and into the Light? Why is it so easy to believe in God one moment and put Him on the side bench the next? How is it so easy to cry out and declare you will walk in God's Word and trust Him to restore you and in just days return to the very images and thoughts that broke your life down and so far away from God's presence?
I am to blame, perhaps. For waiting and believing for you when you couldn't believe for yourself. I've often thought that everyone that comes to God, truly comes with such a desperate need for His presence that nothing and no one can separate them from staying on the path where God is leading us. Perhaps too many times I covered it all up and protected your story hoping that you would grow and make the choice to be steadfast in the Lord.
We've all hurt. There are wishes in each of our boxes where we wish so many things would've never happened to us or with us. But, they did. They did. And they're in your yesterday and mine. Why can't you just believe that when God says He is making and has made all things new that He truly has made them completely new? Why can't you trust Him to heal your mind and your heart. Why is so easy to be convinced of God's love and presence one moment and so confused and uncertain the next?
Didn't I tell you that you need to see yourself as a soldier and that this battle never ceases? I've told you that you need God's word in your life every day and yet you entertain everything else and have time for everything else, but you're too tired for the Word, and you're too tired for fellowship, and you're too tired for everything and anything that has "God" in it. I've held on and I wonder if I had let go a long time ago, would that have pushed you to seek God like your next breath was about to end? I wonder if I had walked away from you when the time had been given if this would have given you the door to trust in God and no one else? Because here we are and nothing changes. You are the same and I am still waiting. I am still hoping and praying, but I am hoping and praying alone.
You are where you are because you choose and you want to be where you are. You are happy and satisfied and not afraid. Your comfort zone keeps you around me, around us and I wish you would go on with your life and finally make a decision to be for real on your own and not because of me. If I pray, you pray. If I read, you read. If I go, you go every once in awhile but you don't push through. You don't fight! Look around us! Don't you see the chaos and all the problems around us? Don't you see how sickness just keeps showing up it's face and not leaving? Do you think our financial situation is going to get better? Where is your mind when you've been called to lead and the only place you've led us is to the slaughter house? Why should we follow if your feet only lead away from Christ and into the darkness?
The coming of the Lord is near and oh, you keep moving away from his Presence. I am right beside you and although I am holding on to God and His promises, your lack of faith and commitment don't help my prayers move forward. Your failure to be strong keeps our home on shaky ground. When, when will you rise and shine with the light of the Lord in your life? Will the light of my eyes be gone the day you choose to truly surrender your life to the Lord?