When Grief Remains

 

Speak to enough people and read enough books and they all say pretty much the same things. When it comes to living through grief. "It's going to be alright" "Time heals, give it time" "He's in a better place" "You're going to get through this" and "You'll be in a better place next year". On and on the list goes with the familiar quotes and catch phrases that do little to pick one up. They sort of, honestly, can put you in a bad mood where you just want to either be left alone or really let them have a piece of your mind. Honestly, how will I be in a better place next year if the person I had planned on having in my life just passed away? How can time heal? I've spoken to my mom, whose mom passed away when she was a preteen, and she still feels the deep loss of her mom. So, tell me, how does time have power to heal? Do I magically tell my kids to forget their dad because in time the pain will go away? I know that somehow, it's all going to be alright. This one thing I know for sure because my strength and my hope has only come from the Lord. I can't see His arms but I feel His powerful hold on me, carrying me when I feel like I'm crashing down emotionally. God's words sustain me and assure me that He will not abandon me when I feel like I'm just having a really bad day. 

I love people. My life is blessed with some friends that have been there with their love and their encouragement. Still, there are moments where it's hard to get out of bed, and where something happens and I am transported to a memory that punches me in my gut. My thoughts fly off and wander to those moments and I feel the heaviness of the loss as if it just happened. I see the faces of my kids and I remember that they are hurting so much more than I ever could. A song, a scent, or something that comes at me suddenly. They fuel memories that take life right in front of our eyes, and every emotion, every moment is real. You hear the laughter, the arguments, the loud singing in the car, the misunderstandings, the "I'm sorry" and "Forgive me". You feel the joy of the moment, the celebration, the smell of birthday candles, the sound of rain, the taste of birthday cupcakes, and the smiles that brighten the room for those cell phones to do their magic taking photos.

Where are you today? Grief has a way of hanging out in our living room, the bedroom, the patio, the car and even the subway ride home. Grief sits there and waits for a small breeze to move around you and it moves through the air to remind you of a pain that doesn't want to heal. Grief is going to hover over us for a long time, if we allow it to. There's no denying the pain that comes with loss. There is also no denying that in the darkest moment of this pain, there is a loving heavenly Father who can love on you with such might that it almost seems as if you're being carried. I cannot tell you what to feel, but I can tell you that the most powerful presence of peace flooded my hospital room during my husband's last days of life, and it was especially evident when he passed away. In the midst of a pain I cannot explain, and a hurt for my children that I cannot get over at times, I experienced a love and a peace that filled my hospital room and I knew it was the Lord. I had surrendered to Him then. And, I will not lie, I was angry! I was so angry because I wanted a miracle. I expected a breakthrough! I believed for a different outcome than the one that took place. God knew my heart, he saw my brokenness. I was laid out before him and he chose to pour out his love into me, even when I felt at times like pushing him away. I wanted to be left alone and be upset. The Lord's love held me so I could stop fighting against heaven and understand what it meant, truly meant to be still and know that He is and will always be God.

You alone know what you're feeling right now. Those emotions are real and no one can tell you not to feel them. No medicine can take them away, only numb them temporarily. Can I encourage you to release them today to the loving arms of a heavenly Father that cares enough to stay with you when everyone else has gone home. Can I recommend you let go of the guilt, the sorrow, the desire to stop living, just let it go and place it all at the feet of the One, the Lord, who knows how to take all our cares and all our burdens and carry them away to where we don't have to worry about them any longer? God's love is genuine. It's real. His peace is real. We may not always get the response or the answers we want, but God knows what's best for us. That's where it's hard because we desire things to be a certain way and then God changes the outcome. Will you trust your outcome to the Lord today? I'm struggling right with you on this one. I don't know God's will and I don't know His plan. I don't know what I am supposed to do right now or tomorrow. I don't know what I should do regarding my future except to surrender every second of my life to the One who chose to let my life continue existing. I don't have the answer to, "Will grief go away or get better." I only have Jesus and that is all I can offer or give. 

I pray. I pray that you will be encouraged to give every pain and the heaviness on your heart to the Lord. God loves you so much and He can carry you through these really difficult moments in your life. I pray you will choose to trust your tomorrow and your future to the same loving Father I lean on. I will trust in Him. I will depend on His mercy and His kindness for me and my children. I will trust in His promises to provide and guide me every step of the way. I pray you will see His love reaching out to you today and that you too will find yourself in His loving arms, receiving rest and comfort for your tired and weary soul. I pray His love heals you and fills you, giving you a restful sleep. In Jesus name, amen.

-Angeline 

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